Below is an excerpt from a letter submitted to Carolyn Hax, advice columnist.
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Dear Carolyn:
How should I handle my new boyfriend’s ANGRY ex? She is using their children to try to control him and break us up.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: The way not to handle this angry ex is by casting the ex as the villain, your boyfriend as victim and yourself as superhero. That common trap yields nothing but victims — the kids, of course, along with every adult who’s involved.
Very few people, when you see them up close, fall neatly into categories. The selfish can show compassion, poets can be heartless, warriors can be gentle, the wise can make stupid mistakes, charmers can be sincere, heroes can save the world only to succumb to emotional stage fright at home — or vice versa, and so on.
When you see people only through the eyes of others, your impressions get flattened into caricatures. Understandably, since flat people are easier to file away, dismiss, blame for everything.
But even if this “ANGRY ex” is throwing an extended tantrum, she’s no caricature. She’s the woman your boyfriend once loved, the mother of his kids.
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What Carolyn has to say about the reasons we tend to ‘flatten people into caricatures’ is right on the money…it helps us efficiently dismiss and blame others…so much easier and faster than every other option.
Carolyn also reminds us here of our tendencies to select the perspective that best justifies our own emotions, rather than the perspective that will deliver the best results to the most people. Think about what you’re thinking about (or not) people.
